Just Breathe

Ten years ago today......I lost one of my best friends.

I cannot believe that it has been TEN YEARS. Because honestly sometimes it still feels so recent and raw.

My cousin Cisco and I were pretty close. On my dad's side of the family - he was the only boy. So of course we picked on him and ganged up on him.....but when we were older we all spoiled him and doted on him.

So the thing that sucks is that we have no reason why he died. He got sick and that was it.

I think, or well I hope that I have become a better person since then. Because there have been a lot of lessons that have come out of this experience.

I learned that Heavenly Father will give you more than you can handle. 

I know this because there is no way I could have made it through this without Heavenly Father. There were days that I couldn't even move because I didn't understand what had happened and why it had happened. And even though I knew or know rather, that I will see him again, it still hurt so dang much.

And so I prayed. And prayed. and PRAYED like I've never prayed before. Because I needed to understand, and to be comforted and to know that I wasn't going to fall apart. That I would make it through this.....trial I guess.

I learned that when someone you love dies, you don't get over it and time does not heal your wounds. I have just learned to adjust to life in a new way. Even though it has been 10 years and I still want to call him to tell him a story or text him a picture. I still feel like I've been punched in the stomach when I think about the fact that he is gone. And so I am a little different than I was before. Because I changed. That was the only thing I could do.

I also learned that my Heavenly Father knows me and loves ME. I know this because of all sorts of experiences I had that let me know that Heavenly Father was thinking of me. Mostly these tender mercies were manifested through seemingly random acts of kindness from my friends. But I knew it was Heavely Father speaking to me that even though we had to go through this hard thing - he was still mindful of me. It didn't happen because he had abandoned us.....it just happened. And he was there to wrap his arms around me and let me know that he understood how I felt.

I learned that Cisco still is very much a part of my life. I see it in little things - like how my boys have some of his characteristics. And sometimes they pull these pranks and have a twinkle in their eye and I just KNOW that Cisco helped nudge that little gem of an idea along.

I have learned to have more compassion - which is something I really lacked when I was younger. I know what it is to hurt and to have others say very insensitive things to you. I'm definitely not perfect at this. I still say really boneheaded things sometimes - but my heart is infinitely softer than it was 10 years ago.

I learned to not take those I love for granted. It is so hard - because we are all busy and have families and lives...... but I never want someone I love to not know how I feel about them. So even if it is only once a year (or two), I try my hardest to make some time for friends and family.

Well, I miss you Cisco. I know I will see you again. 

I look forward to that day with all my heart.